The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
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Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Buying a well is money well spent.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
when someone compliments me
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Just so funny
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
I feel it
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.