I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
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Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.