Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
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me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo