Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
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4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Don’t snitch tag.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.