I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
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Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
I have so many questions.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi