wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
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me and my fake scenarios
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
LA today:
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
God making man in his image was the original selfie
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!