In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
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Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
When life hands you women, make women laid.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.