That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
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I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Self-cleaning conscience
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
You better watch out
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!