Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
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I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
I’M CRYINGGG
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”