[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
You Might Also Like
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me