Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
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elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches