I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
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The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye