The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
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I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk