I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
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I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.