the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
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The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Bartenders are just boneless bars
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Encore…
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.