im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
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Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
is there nothing we can trust anymore
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.