DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
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I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.