Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
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My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues