me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
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Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*