Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
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Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello