“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
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Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.