Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
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The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.