Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
You Might Also Like
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK