Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
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“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
fair
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.