When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
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I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
A friend sent me this.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys