Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
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3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Saw online –
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
The Backseat Boys
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.