Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
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ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping