*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
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[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Same pineapple, same
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.