I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
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I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.