If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
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Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Get off my horse you stupid moon
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.