Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
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If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
This checks out
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..