“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
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I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.