Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
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[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
🤭😂
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.