How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
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I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.