waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
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The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
me
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot