There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
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Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
New favorite tiktok
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
This is going to be a meme FOREVER: