Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
You Might Also Like
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
I put the mess in domestic.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
respect
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT