“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
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My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Pickled cat.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
This story is comedy gold 😂
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
set yourself free xox
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.