Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
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Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Pickled cat.
Oops