I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
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spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Just me?