I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
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Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
apparently this year was written by stephen king
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams