“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
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Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.