My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
You Might Also Like
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!