Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
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him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.