wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
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In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
#Caturday
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie