I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
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“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes