We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
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Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!