Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
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Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Air pods looking like an angry frog
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.