Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
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People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?