If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
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Alarms are for people without children or puppies
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder